Why we're often harder on ourselves than anyone else, and what we can do about it.
Have you ever made a small mistake and spent the rest of the day giving yourself a hard time about it?
Perhaps you said something slightly awkward in a meeting.
Forgot an appointment.
Or made a decision that, with the benefit of hindsight, wasn't your finest moment.
Most people would probably shrug it off.
But your internal commentary has other ideas.
"That was stupid."
"I should have known better."
"Why do I always do this?"
Sound familiar?
For many people, being critical of themselves has become such an automatic habit that they barely notice they're doing it.
But there's a difference between recognising something we'd like to improve and constantly making ourselves feel inadequate.
Where does the inner critic come from?
Nobody arrives in the world with a running commentary about everything they're doing wrong.
Our internal dialogue develops over time, influenced by experiences, relationships and the expectations we encounter.
Perhaps you grew up in an environment where achievement was important or mistakes were heavily criticised.
Maybe you learned that being hard on yourself was a way to stay motivated.
Or perhaps comparing yourself with others has become such a familiar habit that it now happens almost automatically.
For some people, self-criticism feels protective.
If you identify every possible mistake before someone else does, perhaps you can avoid embarrassment, disappointment or rejection.
But the strategy can come at a cost.
The problem with constantly giving yourself a hard time
A little self-reflection can be useful.
It's how we recognise mistakes, learn new things and develop better habits.
But constant self-criticism doesn't necessarily make us more successful or responsible.
Sometimes it simply makes everyday life more stressful.
You might notice yourself:
Focusing on mistakes rather than achievements.
Feeling uncomfortable accepting compliments.
Comparing yourself unfavourably with other people.
Setting standards that are almost impossible to meet.
Replaying conversations and questioning what you said.
Feeling that nothing you do is ever quite good enough.
And the frustrating part is that you may genuinely believe being hard on yourself is what keeps you motivated.
The idea of becoming more self-compassionate can even feel like lowering your standards.
But those two things aren't the same.
Being kind to yourself doesn't mean letting yourself off the hook
This is a common misunderstanding.
Self-compassion isn't about pretending mistakes don't matter or telling yourself that everything you do is wonderful.
It's about recognising that you can make mistakes, accept responsibility and still treat yourself with some basic kindness.
Imagine a close friend came to you after making an embarrassing mistake at work.
Would you tell them they were hopeless, incompetent and should never open their mouth in another meeting?
Probably not.
You might acknowledge that the situation was awkward, help them consider what they could do differently and remind them that one mistake doesn't define their abilities.
So why do we sometimes find it so difficult to extend the same understanding to ourselves?
Five ways to be a little less critical of yourself
1. Notice your internal commentary
Start by paying attention to how you speak to yourself, particularly when something goes wrong.
Are you describing what happened, or are you making sweeping judgements about yourself?
There's a significant difference between:
"I handled that conversation badly."
And:
"I'm terrible at dealing with people."
One identifies a behaviour you might change.
The other turns a difficult moment into a judgement about who you are.
2. Ask whether you'd speak to a friend that way
This is a simple exercise, but it can be surprisingly revealing.
When you notice yourself being particularly harsh, ask:
"Would I say this to someone I cared about?"
If the answer is no, consider how you might express the same concern more constructively.
You don't need to be endlessly positive.
Just fair.
3. Give yourself credit for what goes well
People who are highly self-critical often have a remarkable ability to overlook their achievements.
They quickly move past things they've handled well and focus on whatever still needs improving.
Try noticing the small things.
A difficult conversation you managed.
A decision you made thoughtfully.
Something you completed despite feeling uncertain.
Recognising these moments isn't arrogance.
It's maintaining a more balanced perspective.
4. Question unrealistic standards
It's worth considering whether you're holding yourself to expectations you'd never place on someone else.
Do you expect yourself to be endlessly productive, patient, organised, confident and emotionally available?
Would you genuinely expect another person to get everything right all the time?
Sometimes our standards are so demanding that we're setting ourselves up to feel inadequate, regardless of what we achieve.
5. Practise being realistic rather than perfect
You don't need to replace every negative thought with an enthusiastic affirmation.
Sometimes a more realistic response is enough.
Instead of:
"I always mess things up."
Try:
"That didn't go particularly well. What can I learn from it?"
Instead of:
"Everyone must think I'm an idiot."
Try:
"I don't actually know what other people are thinking."
Small shifts in how we interpret situations can help us respond more thoughtfully.
What if self-criticism feels impossible to switch off?
For some people, self-criticism is closely connected to anxiety, perfectionism, low confidence or long-standing beliefs about their worth.
The thoughts may feel so familiar that it's difficult to imagine relating to yourself differently.
Psychotherapy can provide an opportunity to explore where these patterns came from, what maintains them and how they influence your relationships, choices and emotional wellbeing.
The aim isn't to eliminate every critical thought.
It's to develop a more flexible and balanced way of responding to yourself, particularly when things don't go as planned.
A final thought
We all make mistakes.
We all have moments when we could have done something better.
And sometimes we're going to disappoint ourselves or other people.
That's part of being human.
The question is whether continually giving yourself a hard time is genuinely helping you become the person you want to be.
Next time your inner critic gets particularly loud, try asking:
"Can I acknowledge what went wrong without turning it into a judgement about who I am?"
You might find that a little less criticism leaves more room for learning, perspective and change.
Psychotherapy for Confidence and Emotional Wellbeing in Paddington
I'm Steve Batchelor, a psychotherapist at Paddington Therapy Works.
I work with adults navigating anxiety, self-esteem, relationships, life transitions and emotional wellbeing.
My approach is practical, conversational and collaborative.
If you'd like to explore your own patterns of thinking and develop a more balanced relationship with yourself, you're welcome to get in touch.
